Little did I realize at the time I was saying the final goodbye to my mom in that moment. I gave my mom a hug and told her I loved her (which was a very regular and normal part of most every departure we ever made) and that was the last time I saw her alive.
She died two days later. I received the news from my husband who showed up unannounced at my Sunday morning yoga class to let me know my mom had passed away at the home she shared with my sister. She was 74 years old. I got to see the lifeless form of her “bodysuit” where she had left it when she went back to the Great Mystery.
The circumstances around her death are a story for another time, but because most of us are interested in the hows and whys of these things I will say that she had been dealing with failing health for a few years prior, though most days and especially the last few days we spent with her, one never would have known that she was not long for this world.
Such is the nature of Life - so many unknowns, unceremonious departures, plot twists and surprises along the way.
So, here I am almost exactly two years later, reflecting on the life of a most amazing being. My mother was a woman of passion, high adventure, beauty, mystery, playfulness, generosity and incredible kindness. She was blessed with a profound gift of an intrinsically loving nature, a remarkably upbeat disposition and a true ability to connect with people of all walks of life.
Like so many others that navigate this territory of life on earth, she had known great pain, heartache, betrayal, frustration and disappointment. She sought out and I believe found - deep inner satisfaction, pure love and the very depths of her own soul and essence. She was a yogini, a true friend and a remarkably gifted child whisperer.
From the time I was a very small child I seemed to have an uncanny feeling of a deep familiarity in regards to this person in my life, my “Mom”. It was as though by some great stroke of luck I had managed to be born into my true family in this lifetime. As I got older I couldn’t help but notice that it seemed some of my friends and acquaintances had somehow gotten dropped off at the wrong house when they were born. It was like they were switched at birth and went home with some unfamiliar and uncomfortable people with whom they really didn’t belong. Perhaps it was simply the result of the genuine attachment parenting I received from my mother, but my connection to her felt like deep karmic ties, in the best possible way. It was like we had known each other forever and had come back to the earth plane time and time again, to be together. The love I felt and still feel for my mom, this person, this being, this spirit went and still goes…that deep. She was and is, my beloved kindred on the deepest soul level…it’s a connection that reaches beyond all time and all space.
The yogis talk about the principle that with ever greater subtlety comes ever deeper pervasiveness. Meaning, the more subtle something is the more ultimately penetrating and pervasive something can be…or is. Think - God Particle. So when someone asks me now how I feel without my beloved friend/mother/kindred spirit here on the earth plane I can honestly say that I feel as connected with her, as ever. She has become in my experience, that intrinsically subtle and that ultimately pervasive.
That’s not to say I don’t miss having her here on this relative plane of existence. I miss our contemplative conversations and her book recommendations. I miss our hour plus long phone conversations. I miss our shared meditations. I miss talking all things yoga with her. I miss her love of Indian food, but it seems that one was somehow transferred like a psychic blood transfusion right into my very own veins upon her departure. I miss her beautiful voice and her upbeat greetings with my son, my husband, my friends, my sister, myself and most every other she met along her way. As for the pure essence of Mom, I can honestly say…no, I actually don’t miss her at all. It feels as though she is here with me in some kind of spiritual entirety. She lives on forever as an incredibly pervasive part of me. WE have merged - into ONE.